stupefied

This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world, and while she looked so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her, when she smiles... -Nine Days

Friday, April 07, 2006

Old Flame

They were in a great relationship. The kind that started with friendship and ‘developed’ into something more. It was deeper that way. Somehow they knew each other well, loved each other much. Compatible. Inseparable. Everybody could tell it’ll be the two of them at the end of the line. They did too. She probably loved him more, he was her first boyfriend. He seemed happy. She had no doubt in her mind he was the one. He was scared he couldn’t give that certainty. There was nobody else for her. He was afraid the ghost of a past love hasn’t died yet. But he loved her, he was sure of that. In her mind, she made dreams of them together. His mind did the same, his heart included somebody else. To his mind he listened more, to this girl he gave what he could. He did his part.

Monthsaries after monthsaries they celebrated. It was a smooth sail for them. Graduation came. He had to leave for board review. She had to stay for further studies. Goodbye for a while. She never expected it’d be his last goodbye.

Here comes old flame. The girl he loved in high school. The girl he never had. The ghost he’s been fighting all along. After some time they bump into each other. What do you do when you learn it wasn’t a one-sided love story all the while? What do you do when an old flame offers you light? To whom do you turn your back to? The girl you left behind or the girl behind you now?

He tries to hurl away doubts creeping through him. This is only a test, he tells himself. Just one of those storms that hits you on your picnic in the park. You see, tomorrow the sun’s gonna be back. But looking at the girl he once loved and lost scared the wits out of him. He needs a little more convincing. He felt tomorrow wouldn’t be as sunny.

He’s torn. He figured he loves them both, but he’s scared to admit who will make him happier coz he knew the answer would make him a bad person. It would be terribly unfair to the girl he made some promises with. He’s happy with the first one. But with the second he felt he’d be complete. He felt sorry for the girl back home. There was no doubt he did love her, and what they shared was true, but this thing he feels for the old flame was so strong he can’t put the fire off. It was so strong to let go.

At this point he knew what he wants. It doesn’t feel right, but to him, doing the right thing would leave him in pieces. If he stays with her, they’d be intact but incomplete. It’s like something’s going to be missing always. If he leaves her now, he’d be her greatest pain, she’d be his biggest guilt, but that would be temporary. In time, he thought, being true would be his only defense.

But how do you tell the person back home? Do you just say, sorry, I changed my mind? Is it really possible to suddenly change your feelings about one person when an old flame comes along? How do you make her understand that you’d rather let honesty hurt her now than have to have to lie to protect her feelings for God knows how long? How do you say, if you really love someone, you’d be willing to accept that his happiness may lie in somebody else and not with you? How do you ask for your freedom, without breaking her heart?

The girl back home. She felt deceived. Unfair, she cries. What happened to the love they shared, the dreams they made? Her whole life has been rearranged to fit him in it. Then he decides to bail out. Unforgivable, she thought. Can one really change his mind that fast? She truly loved him, but she couldn’t quite accept the fact that she no longer was the one who’d make him happy. She loved him, but maybe a little too much to give him up. If she had the choice, she’d fight for him, and bet everything to win him back, but if the guy was begging for his freedom, how do you say no? All she could really do was watch him go.

So he chooses the old flame. Guy admits it was entirely his fault. He shouldn’t have entered into a relationship when something was still burning at the back of his heart. But it was of no use to be sorry. Spilt milk they say. For a while, guilt was behind them. How can you really be happy at somebody’s expense? But over time, the only thing they could hold on to was that they were being true. No matter how long, the truth will set one free. They’re free now. And they’re very happy.

The girl back home has healed somehow. All she could do was trust in His plans. Maybe it wasn’t her time yet.

4 Comments:

Blogger wickedsis said...

salamat sa entry... it helped me face demons from my own past, made me put things in perspective... write on :)

9:47 AM  
Blogger raven said...

Great post, Malu... great post.

9:58 AM  
Blogger bRiGgs said...

sorry na... =(

2:30 PM  
Anonymous Lane said...

this gave me goosebumps. it's almost like being inside my now bf's mind. i was his number 2. yea i know shame on me! he was also my number 2 when we met. anyways, you are a very good writer, Malu :) dont lose a big part of your soul- keep writing :)

1:07 PM  

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