stupefied

This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world, and while she looked so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her, when she smiles... -Nine Days

Monday, April 24, 2006

I saw the sign

How do you read signs? For the longest time I’ve been asking for God to give me signs on things that I couldn’t really be too sure of, or when I’m scared. I’ve always believed that when you ask for it, something weird just happens and you’ll know that God has been listening all the while. Something pops out, could be the simplest or the most outrageous and somehow you knew it’s been God’s hand leading you to where you’re supposed to be. Then you wouldn’t be scared anymore.

But can the signs go wrong? I remember how I’ve always prayed that the first man to give me 3 long-stemmed pink roses would be the one. Ex # 5 gave me 3 long-stemmed pink roses on Valentine’s Day, and I had goose bumps all over my body. But while courtship lasted for 4 months, we were officially a couple for only 16 days. World record for me. He decided we weren’t meant to be. So he ended up being Ex #5, and I ended up giving away even the tiniest shred of pride left hanging in me. So much for signs.

Now I’m in another quandary, yet I still hope for a sign.

Back home, I’ve made up my mind completely. I’d quit my job and find my place abroad. I’ve gotten a lot of no’s from friends, I presumed out of worry, or concern or maybe lack of knowledge of my future destination or they probably couldn’t see much certainty in my eyes while I was eagerly sharing my plans. I listened to what they had to say, just listened. In my mind, there was no turning back.

Same with my parents. One evening we were in our front yard having coffee and a little chat and my mom goes “You’re fine here. Do you really have to go? My dad thinks the same way. What else am I looking for? For some it would have been a very complicated question, but I knew what to answer right away. Being so firm and sure of my plans, I told them I wanted to explore better opportunities. I’ve never been so sure.

Then when my bus was about to leave for Manila the other night, my eyes just burst. Kissing my parents goodbye had never been so sad. I didn’t know how it felt that way, but I suddenly asked myself if I was really prepared to leave my family and live so many miles away from them. Been in Manila for 6 years now, but it never felt like I was really gone. I could just hop in the next bus on a weekend if I ever miss them. But abroad, it wouldn’t be that easy. I could only shake my head.

Last night while I was hearing mass, I had a conversation with Him, and I was asking for a sign to guide me in a decision I’m about to make, which I consider life-changing. Then today I read this bad news about the place I’m considering for my next job, more like a warning. I’m confused. I’m not sure whether it’s His way of telling me not to go, or making me stronger and ready for what might await me there. I can’t be sure if He’s preventing me from something He thinks could be bad for me, or He’s just testing me if I’m certain about what I really want.

All I know is that I want a better life. But the hard part is that everyone seems to have a different definition of “better”. And mine’s a little spoiled.

I don’t know what to make of the sign I just got. I think I will just have to trust that God would have wanted me to be happy. What to do then, I should ask myself that.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Lane said...

speaking of signs & leaving, have you watched Under the Tuscan Sun? :) it's one of my fave flick of all time. it's feminine & relaxing. i think you wud like it, malu :) if you dont mind me asking, where are you off to? & oh, where's that beach in your flckr pics? :D

1:26 PM  

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