stupefied

This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world, and while she looked so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her, when she smiles... -Nine Days

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Part II

So is it really over?

I feel like I still ought to ask myself this question, though I would like to think that it already is. It was, for a long time already. Until I heard about him again and waves came crashing into my once peaceful sea.

My friend says if he still has even the tiniest effect on you, then you aren’t over yet. I think that’s too much of a test. I mean, I have had four other relationships in the past, but even if I did feel bad when I learned about their weddings or how they looked good together with their current partners (better than we once did), I can swear I am completely over them. I’m even friends with most of them, all I mean (except with one I might have hurt pretty badly). Anyway, hearing them talk about how content they were with their present lives didn’t actually leave me feeling bitter. Maybe a little “what ifs” but that’s about it. No crying spree. No Joe d Mango moments.

But it felt weird with this other one. I made all sort of adjustments hopefully for a speedy recovery—moved to a new company and a new house, locked up things that bring back mem’ries of him – photos, mp3s, other things--but it seemed like the pill isn’t good enough. Or could it be that my predicament is incurable. Is there a cure for a badly broken heart?
They say time heals all wounds. My greatest fear is to end up having used up all my time to heal. The time I’d have recovered, I would have probably lost my time already.

I’m also thinking, maybe all my efforts to forget him would have been futile if I still haven’t found it in my heart to accept things as they happened. Up to recent days I would think of what I lack, or what I overdid, or what I did wrong that made him change his mind about me. I sometimes forget that it couldn’t have been just me. If he says he fell out of love, there’s no way you can force a man to stay.

I realize the reason I can‘t be friends with this one while I can still be chummy with the rest of my exes is the manner we have parted ways. As with the others, it was more or less a mutual decision. We thought it was for our own sake. We both agreed about it. As with this one, he had to close the door on me, I had to be Ms Pathetic to knock again. He fell out of it. I fell into it. It was a timing difference. The time I learned how he has grown on me, it was a little too late. I felt dumped, and nothing can be more painful. It’s the kind of pain that can make you remember for a long time. It’s the kind of pain that even time can’t remedy.

So how do you know it’s over?

I guess it’s not being able to talk about him and not feel a thing. It’s not being able to look him up in Friendster & not budge when you see “In a relationship”. It’s not about seeing him with another girl and shed not a single tear.

I guess it’s over when you’ve finally accepted the fact that his happiness lies with another person and not with you. That it isn’t because you were shorter, or weighed a little less, or that you needed a rebond to let your hair down or Likas papaya to get that elusive ‘kutis-artista’, or braces to be able to smile or that you weren’t his idea of a ‘girlfriend” that made him not choose you. The important thing is you did your part. You loved to the end, you loved to the best that you can. Then there shouldn’t be any regrets. Only hopes, that someday, the right one will knock at your door.

Love happens and when it happens to you, you just have to love all you can and be happy. If time takes it away, then let go. Don’t hold on too tight coz they say maybe something bigger will come and you'll need both hands to grasp it.

So is it really over?

I pray.

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