stupefied

This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world, and while she looked so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her, when she smiles... -Nine Days

Monday, March 13, 2006

How can ‘over’ be really ‘over’?

I had to rethink about this over the weekend, after one of my girlfriends somehow validated one of my fears— that after more or less eight months and relentless efforts to make myself forget, the anesthesia would soon wear off and the pain would still reach my heart. I have been doing okay for a while, okay as to be able to look him up in Friendster and not break down upon seeing the phrase next to his age, “In a relationship”, or okay that I’ve been able to go out on a few dates and not imagine his face when I look across my date, but as I’ve always feared of my own weakness, there I was, thinking again.

I can compare it to a wound that has scarred in the skin, but still bleeding inside.

I’m not sure why a simple story about my ex jumping from one relationship to another is making me write these things. It’s not as if it happened only now. It’s been like a repeated story told over and over again. What worries me is my reaction when it was brought up last Friday night. I only said that I’m saddened by the fact that all of my friends were right about him. He’d change girlfriends as though he were tearing off a page of a calendar. I was sad coz after he broke up with me to be reunited with his long-time ex, I did hope he’d finally settle, and that our breakup, and the many tears I poured would somehow be worth it. I was thinking maybe he just hasn’t found the one yet. But at the back of my mind I can hear myself, how is it that he could go on searching for the right one, and end up hurting people in the process?

One friend goes, ‘if you’re reacting that way, maybe you’re still not over him”. I shook my head. Of course I was over him. But you know what scared me suddenly; I was hearing voices in my head. When I got home early Saturday morning, I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t cry, like I used to, but I couldn’t sleep,

I swear I no longer love him. Neither do I hate him. But why, I’m hurting for him. Do you think I have moved on?

Tell me, how do you know “over” is really “over”?

1 Comments:

Blogger raven said...

Beautiful entry, and communicates what I'm feeling right now. No, you're not over him yet. If your heart still breaks when you hear that he's had a new gf, you haven't moved on.

I'm in the same boat as u are Malu. Stay strong, move on, and things will get better in time. Later, you'll find out you're not hurting anymore and you're in a happier place.

You're not there yet, but u will be in time. I promise. Stay tough girl! :D

4:47 PM  

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