stupefied

This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world, and while she looked so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her, when she smiles... -Nine Days

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Close to you

Sunday night, end of my parents’ two-day visit, I found myself in Megamall, Cinema 12, in the seat probably nearest to the exit. I took this precaution as I was watching alone this time, you know, just in case somebody shouts fire or something, I’d be the first to run for my life. I figured it was kind of humiliating to die in a stampede over John Lloyd & Bea Alonzo’s Close to You. Para ka na ring nabangga ng isang Kia Pride na kinakalawang na (which would bring confusion as to whether you died of the impact or the infection).

I’ve never liked the Megamall cinemas but it just happened to be the only one still playing the movie. I’ve also never been a huge fan of the John Lloyd-Bea loveteam, though I raise my hat to John Lloyd for being a real good actor. I think Bea is a little too big for John Lloyd. I only like Sam Milby when he sings. Having said these, you might wonder if it’s any worth going out of my way to watch the movie by myself. I don’t know, there was just something about the plot that drew me. You know, the classic tale of best friends treading the line between friendship and love. Something like Julia Roberts’ My Bestfriend’s Wedding or Kung Ako na lang Sana (Aga & Mega) or Dawson’s Creek. Hmmm.. my story too…

Except that it was half-baked. Hilaw. Bitin. Ended before it even began. Or maybe I have only been imagining it in my head, that there could be a slight possibility of a love story coming out of a very close friendship I once had with my Dawson. Any feelings we both might have had that time, we had to restrain, for we both wanted things simple. Crossing the line would be much of a complication; especially we were both in our own relationships. I’m not sure how he really felt, but to me he became like my measuring cup that everyone else that came to my life later had to be gauged based on him.

Iba kase pag bestfriend mo. It felt so certain, and so easy; you can love like you’ll never get hurt. With him it was like riding on the waves, sometimes at the crest, sometimes, under; things and times that strengthened us, and tightened us together. I remember him: late night to 6am conversations about our disappointments in school, hopes for change and dreams for the future, exchange of impromptu poems, cutting classes together, sharing a hotel room (on one of the conventions we had) and he ending up playing the guitar until I fell asleep, getting terminated from the school paper together, fighting back together, winning the case together, getting our diploma together, board review together, failing together, finding our own roads separately, but still together in thoughts…

One day he told me he has fallen for one of our sisters in the fraternity, I broke down. It felt like I was going to lose him soon and without pride I asked him to choose me instead. He said I was like his shadow, his twin sister and he can never see me as someone more than that. I felt shamed. But later I gave him credit for his honesty. And myself, for taking the chance at least, and not ending up with the what if’s.

He decided not to pursue her, for my peace he said. I wasn’t sure if it helped that time, but after four years now, it didn’t really matter. Sometimes all you can really do is just be friends with the one you love.

Anyway, four years passed and I’ve forgotten about the romantic feelings I once had for him. Although once in a while thoughts play in my head, what if he chose me? Would it have ended happily ever after? What if he comes back now, what if… Silly thoughts…I have and will always be his shadow.

In the movie, Bea & John Lloyd made it together. Bea was torn between a habit (John Lloyd) and a dream (Sam Milby) and they say habits are hard to break. She chose her best friend over the man of his dreams. It was kind of a tough decision since Sam was near-perfect. Sam tickled her fancies, but it was John Lloyd who tickled her heart. Though it was a happy ending, I found myself fighting some grain of tears. I realize that’s the bad thing about watching a movie alone. You can’t empathize much with the scenes coz you’d look weird. It was a funny movie, but I had to control my laughter coz it felt awkward laughing alone.

It’s ok. Sometimes it feels good being single, but not really alone. Or maybe alone, but not really lonely.

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