stupefied

This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world, and while she looked so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her, when she smiles... -Nine Days

Monday, March 20, 2006

Bye bye cobwebs...

My parents were here Saturday & Sunday, finally after my 5 years of striving in this urban jungle. I requested for their visit. I was becoming pretty homesick these past few weeks, to the point of being literally sick. Sometimes these ill feelings somehow turn my mind into a spider that endlessly weaves cobwebs of worries, and fears and manic depression about my past, my present and my future; mostly about my future though. My friend calls it quarter-life crisis. The point where you ask yourself what you really want to do with your life and you haven’t got a single clue. Then after some thought, you tell yourself that all you want to do is be happy, but happiness seems like a very expensive pen that even after working for almost four years already, you still haven’t saved enough to be able to afford it. I don’t know what to call it, but I think my friend and I are pretty much on the same boat right now.

Anyway, those sad thoughts were temporarily brushed aside by my parents’ visit, which was a good thing, to save my sanity at least. I’ve been wanting to quit my job here and just go back to the province and live a simple dream. I missed my parents. But being with them for two days made me miss them much, much more than when they were in Bicol. My Mama’s white hair appeared to have tripled, my Papa seemed to have lost some weight, and some esteem too, as he had given into early retirement from his job due to internal pressures. I saw signs of aging, signs of time, signs of volatility, signs that we shouldn’t hold on too tight, but we should take all chances to show our love and be someone else’s happiness. When we hugged, I realized how long I’ve been out of our home. And how I couldn’t be there to be their responsible first-born and personally take care of them. How I couldn’t anymore pluck gray hair, or cut Papa’s nails. God I missed them.

Papa asked about my love life, all I could do was laugh and convince him it’s the least of my concerns right now, as I’ve been too busy with career and dreams and all. I couldn’t tell him I was sad, and still picking up the pieces of a shattered faith. I didn’t want to make him sad as well. I told him I wanted to go abroad and be filthy rich. Marriage? Bahala na. I don’t even have that much savings. He said I shouldn’t save too much for my wedding. He said it’s strengthening to experience struggling through life with the one you love. Ang importante, kasama mo siya. He wondered kung wala daw ba man lang nanliligaw. There were some of course, pero walang spark. He laughed at my answer, but I could tell there was a tinge of worry.

Then it was already time to go. Ang bilis ng oras. When I kissed them before the bus took off, I felt a tear was about to fall again. I stopped myself; I wanted to save them from worrying about me. I’m 25; I’m a big, tough girl now. I think I have been for the last 5 years, having survived the metro alone, and single most of the times. At least I’ve earned their trust in those 5 years. I’ve been a good girl too.

About my quarter-life crisis, I’d save that for another discussion. Meanwhile, my parents’ visit last weekend was like a broom that swept the cobwebs away. (sigh of relief)

Hmmm.. they should come here more often.

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