stupefied

This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world, and while she looked so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her, when she smiles... -Nine Days

Thursday, February 23, 2006

What loneliness does

You know what my mind says right now? HOME.
I think about Mama and Papa and my sibs and it isn’t such a nice feeling, as though this thought is like a blue dye to my brown eyes. I miss them like I miss a soothing back massage, or the divine King Crab I had in Singapore or the feel of warm sand on my bare feet. I miss them like I want to run to them at this very hour. But they’re eight hours away from where I’m sitting now.
The last time I went home, was Christmas last year. Then I had to go back to work for the remainder of the year. As much as I so desperately wanted to spend the New Year at home, I wasn’t able to get a ticket to Bicol, and so I had to welcome the New Year at my friend’s house. They were the warmest hosts, but while watching the fireworks in the sky at midnight, it felt like I was going to be like the sky after the fireworks were gone. I realized then it was the first time I spent the New Year away from home.
It occurred to me, it’s actually been five years since I left home to live my dreams elsewhere. HERE. In this so called corporate jungle. If you’d ask me how I’ve done so far, I could only scratch my head. Yep, it’s been truly rewarding, moneywise, experiencewise, —my horizons including my perspective have been wider than ever. But at the back of my head, the one simple question that I’ve been dreading to ask myself was “am I happy?”. At the end of the day, can I actually say to myself it’s all worth it?
For weeks I’ve had this dilemma playing in my head like a clock. I’m caught between continuing to live my dreams and going home to find myself.
Home:
Family
I miss my Papa’s adobo , sinigang sa kalamansi, lechon kawali & laing
I can save a lot, my outflows would practically be just my fare.
Going to work would only take about 5 minutes.
I can work and still pursue Law.
I can teach like I’ve always dreamt of
De-stressed life
A cup of coffee wouldn’t cost a hundred bucks
Some things are even for free
I can water my mama’s garden.
I can watch the moon, I can even count the stars
The air is kinder for my lungs.

Here:
Money- basically to make me capable of buying my happiness
Challenge
Experience
Larger territory
Shopping
Better opportunities
Independence
Closer to going abroad

To weigh these things isn’t easy as it may seem. The only question really is where I imagine my happiness lies. This is the real problem. Perhaps if we could have a straight and simple answer to that, then I could rest my case. But if defining our happiness is simple as that, then what are we really living for?

Ah.. twisted thoughts I have. Let me just go back to where I started. I miss my family. I miss HOME. Sometimes missing the ones you love put words in your head. Just what loneliness can do..

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