stupefied

This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world, and while she looked so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her, when she smiles... -Nine Days

Friday, February 24, 2006

State of Emergency

I’ve never been that into politics, but the last few days, I couldn’t help it any longer. While I’m writing this, a throng of angered protesters are marching to the Ninoy Aquino monument in Ayala, just right across the building where my office is. I knew it was EDSA’s 20th anniv today but the ironic news was it’s also been declared a state of emergency. All permits to rally has been cancelled, warrantless arrests have been made, and the media is being held in the neck. These are the makings of a martial rule that was toppled exactly twenty years ago.

If not for the rain of texts & YMs and live feeds from TV on the coup attempts and enraged rallyists calling for GMA to step down, I wouldn’t have known at all. This is not to say I do not have a care in the current national affairs, I do, I really do. Sometimes it can become too stressful to think of it a lot & hopeless most of the time. Like in my head I couldn’t possibly come up with something close to a cure to our diseased political system; who am I to say then that ousting GMA would bring an end to this war?

Couldn’t help but wonder what exactly are these people fighting for?

I’ve never been a fan of GMA, but I couldn’t even think of a name of a better alternative. I mean, given that she steps down, who would take over? Though I’m a true-blue kapamilya, Noli de Castro didn’t even cross my mind. But having said that I didn’t really mean that I support GMA. Perhaps until her term ends this 2010 (given that she won the election fair & square; otherwise it’s a different story) But hearing about Cha-Cha and her persistent efforts to move to a parliamentary form of government and her claim to being the best person to lead in the transition government until 2010, I somehow understand what the people down there are taking water cannons for.

They’re there because of an impending threat to the democracy that has been hard-won 20 years ago. Perhaps to guard the guarantees of freedom EDSA has won for us. Perhaps to take watch. Perhaps to keep the spirit of EDSA alive.

I’m wearing yellow today, without deliberate effort on my part. But I’m happy I did. In my heart I would like to go down there (not because Kris Aquino & James Yap are there as well) but to speak and be heard. But I certainly wouldn’t want my dad to get worried (he’s been texting me since this morning and asking me to go home).

Perhaps I’ll just join in prayer, that God would purify politics & politicians. And deliver us from this state of emergency.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

What loneliness does

You know what my mind says right now? HOME.
I think about Mama and Papa and my sibs and it isn’t such a nice feeling, as though this thought is like a blue dye to my brown eyes. I miss them like I miss a soothing back massage, or the divine King Crab I had in Singapore or the feel of warm sand on my bare feet. I miss them like I want to run to them at this very hour. But they’re eight hours away from where I’m sitting now.
The last time I went home, was Christmas last year. Then I had to go back to work for the remainder of the year. As much as I so desperately wanted to spend the New Year at home, I wasn’t able to get a ticket to Bicol, and so I had to welcome the New Year at my friend’s house. They were the warmest hosts, but while watching the fireworks in the sky at midnight, it felt like I was going to be like the sky after the fireworks were gone. I realized then it was the first time I spent the New Year away from home.
It occurred to me, it’s actually been five years since I left home to live my dreams elsewhere. HERE. In this so called corporate jungle. If you’d ask me how I’ve done so far, I could only scratch my head. Yep, it’s been truly rewarding, moneywise, experiencewise, —my horizons including my perspective have been wider than ever. But at the back of my head, the one simple question that I’ve been dreading to ask myself was “am I happy?”. At the end of the day, can I actually say to myself it’s all worth it?
For weeks I’ve had this dilemma playing in my head like a clock. I’m caught between continuing to live my dreams and going home to find myself.
Home:
Family
I miss my Papa’s adobo , sinigang sa kalamansi, lechon kawali & laing
I can save a lot, my outflows would practically be just my fare.
Going to work would only take about 5 minutes.
I can work and still pursue Law.
I can teach like I’ve always dreamt of
De-stressed life
A cup of coffee wouldn’t cost a hundred bucks
Some things are even for free
I can water my mama’s garden.
I can watch the moon, I can even count the stars
The air is kinder for my lungs.

Here:
Money- basically to make me capable of buying my happiness
Challenge
Experience
Larger territory
Shopping
Better opportunities
Independence
Closer to going abroad

To weigh these things isn’t easy as it may seem. The only question really is where I imagine my happiness lies. This is the real problem. Perhaps if we could have a straight and simple answer to that, then I could rest my case. But if defining our happiness is simple as that, then what are we really living for?

Ah.. twisted thoughts I have. Let me just go back to where I started. I miss my family. I miss HOME. Sometimes missing the ones you love put words in your head. Just what loneliness can do..

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

To date again

I just agreed to go out on a date with a guy friend this morning. It’s not like I said yes to a marriage proposal or something. Just a movie for heaven’s sake. Haha.. maybe I just feel funny feeling weird and scared and tangled and cautious and overwhelmed all at once. It’s been over eight months (if my math is correct). And about six promising relationships gone off course. If I could touch my heart now and feel if the bruises have gone…sometimes I kind of worry.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Burn



A woman living in a grand house may pride herself on all her lovely things; but the moment she hears the crackle of fire, she decides very quickly which are the few she value most. In the days that followed, I certainly came to feel that my life was burning down around me, and yet when I struggled to find even a single thing that would still matter to me, I’m sorry to say that I failed.
-
Memoirs of a Geisha


- I could nearly say the same right now. = (

Monday, February 20, 2006

Dawson


In college there was this guy, in my heart I’ve always called Dawson. He never knew about the name, but he knew his place in my life, my dependency on him (I would constantly remind him of that). More than my brother in the fraternity and my only guy best friend, he was also the reason college was the best time of my life.

In many ways, I could say his life and mine were intertwined and I loved him as my best friend.


Looking back, I’d always end up pretty stunned… Having a guy best friend --- it’s like royalty. It’s like being the queen, and having a jester by your side. It’s like forgetting about time, and tossing your fears to the wind. It’s like running away and laughing like crazy. I remember a time when my lips started to hurt because even while I was asleep, I never lost the smile. When my own love affairs get messed up, he was my crying shoulder.

Then graduation came, and it was time to go.

For the longest time, we’ve not talked to each other the way we used to. We had our separate dreams to live, and own love stories to write. After board exams I started working, while he pursued his life-long dream to become a lawyer. We never got the chance to be there for each other. And the sea between us got bigger and deeper.

At times I’d imagine myself screaming Dawson to the wind, in my foolish hopes that he’d pop out and lend his shoulders again, whenever I had my heart broken. And during those times the only presence I felt was his absence. I’ve actually forgotten how it felt having strong shoulders to carry the weight of my tears.

I really missed him, and I so wished he wasn’t so far away, but I realized maybe I was being taught to draw my own strength and my independence. I wouldn’t be rescued forever.

He texted last Friday and somehow the old days came back with a taste of the sun at night.

To know that my Dawson was still there, it felt nice.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Feb 14 2006

Drowned ourselves with coffee and theories and some lights, recollection of a thousand good memories, and pictures of more to come-- dreams, fears, love stories, questions, some answers, a venti of laughters, a really great valentines. Thanks to alma, zarah & gee… caffeine put me to a sweet, good night sleep—err.. 2:00 am na pala. =)

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Those Valentines


I was telling my friend yesterday how Valentines pretty much reminds me of the people who came and loved and left me for the past six years—things like where we spent that day, the flowers I got, the happiness I felt, the unhappiness I feel now.

Last year in Chocolate Kiss Café, lovely piano and three long-stemmed pink roses.

Last, last year in Baguio, all chilly and tender and romantic , one red rose and a stuffed puppy that says I love you.

The year before that, Café Angelo, 3 pink tulips and an adorable stitched bear begging for love.

Before that, Sunken Garden, red roses and love.

Six years ago, at school, no flowers but his heart.

I’m counting and I couldn’t help but wonder how I ended up with that list in just six years. From where I am standing now , I somehow feel a little bad.

On second thought I almost forgot I have a date tonight.

Me, and my best girl friends.

Not bad.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

"Shoulda’ woulda’ coulda are the last words of a fool. "
-Beverly Knight, Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

Guess I could call myself a fool then.
Why, I’m thinking of a thousand things I should have done differently.
1.
I should have taken a Major in Film or Arts or Creative Writing.
2. Given that I have taken Accountancy & miraculously passed the Board, I should have practiced my profession in an audit firm or taught in a university.
3. I should have learned how to swim when I was six.
4. I should have taken good care of my eyes (and teeth hehe)
5. I shouldn’t have had my feet wet right after school. (now my varicose veins are horrible).
6. I should have studied how to play the piano and sing without raising hell.
7. I should have smiled more often.
8. I shouldn’t have skipped meals.
9. I shouldn’t have stopped writing.
10. I should have been friendlier.
11. I shouldn’t have been such a cry baby.
12. I shouldn’t have said goodbye to the persons who’d never dare say goodbye.
13. I shouldn’t have said yes to the persons who’d say no in the end.
14. I should have been more faithful, and brave and content.
15. I shouldn’t have been so reckless and impulsive and selfish.
16. I shouldn’t have let chances slip away, like my chance to be happy, and my chance to live my dreams.

THE LIST is long.. Did I say I had a thousand of them? Guess that makes me an even bigger fool. And so constantly I’d shake my head, so that I’d gain my way ticket back to reality and accept things as they are. They were nobody else’s doing, but mine, after all.

It was like pulling nails from the wall.”
-Nitta Sayuri, Memoirs of a Geisha

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

My crying, faint heart

Today I woke up with that familiar soreness again. It’s weird how much the ‘hurt’ really sticks. Sometimes I wish I had a heart made of Teflon. Or maybe have a part of my memory erased, like the one they did to Ben Affleck in Payback. It would have been much simpler for cases of post-separation depression such as mine. For some time I was really in sync with my mind, about letting the wind dance between my present and my past, somehow for a taste of fresh air—ummm-- new life. I could look back and still come out intact. But how long can you hold a fragile heart? Sometimes a thought pops in your mind, and like needle to a big balloon, all the peace is shattered. And then come sleepless nights, and a damp pillow. My crying, faint, vulnerable heart. How do you make the walls around it stronger to welcome thoughts about the past without hurting so much? When can I wake up and not feel the way I felt this morning? When can you ever say it’s totally over?

Friday, February 03, 2006

Fun

I got this text message from a friend asking for one word that could best describe her and this is to be passed around to other friends to also give you an idea what others think about you. I gave her that 1-word, alright, but I was mum about the idea of passing it along…I thought, do I need other people telling me I’m either an angel or a brute? Hmmmnn…On second thought, would somebody really think I’m that bad? Of course you can guess what happened next…And you probably wouldn’t believe some of the answers, but my dear, you have to!

Precious- Sis Deo, my little sister in the sorority
BrilliantMelba, my best friend in grade school
StarMarianne, my best friend at home
ExtraordinaireJosielie, my best friend in high school
Magnanimous- Allan, my guy best friend
Malu-petVileo, my good friend

(Yep, pretty mighty words they have there… How many best friends can one have in a lifetime? For a single moment I felt like a real star …haha)

Responsible –Sahlee (hmmmn… I didn’t know that)
Pretty (2 )- Ella, Jay (Yup, 2 of them said I was,and I wanted to bat my eyelashes this very second)
Gorgeous- Bimbo-licous (magpapalibre lang to, I swear)
Sweet (2)- Alms, Lorie (wow that’s sweet..)
Fashionista – Jec (What gave you that idea…)
Reese- Princess (as in Witherspoon- winks, winks)
Belly dancer –Mersi (I didn’t know you were looking)
Lemon-Naomi (so you can make lemonades…)
Hopeless Romantic (1 word ?) –Jackie, Renan (story of my life)
Unpredictable- Ana A. (totally!)
Human- Ana M. (but of course…)
Hilarious- Chee (never a dull moment)
Bangaw??? – Brod emil (better explain..)

Well, try it yourself. I had big fun…

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Hmmmm...

I'm terribly busy-- exactly what happens when you take two holidays off. My inbox is all red,
and yeah, it's monthend, and my partner is on leave for her honeymoon... which leaves me all by myself, pretty buried in "things", you know and my mind kinda pre-occupied with too many cares.. The best part of the day is the thought that it's Friday tomorrow, oh I can't wait...
Anyways, just some thoughts I picked up when I was emptying my mailbox...

"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled
Christmas tree lights."

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on
both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."

"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget
what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Two Wedding and Two Holidays..








01.28.2006 Charie’s Wedding


Her wedding was a celebration of love. And on top of it, it was also a reunion of old friends. I was just happy I was there.

01.29.2006 Tin’s Wedding

Surreal, that’s how I’d describe it. My first time to be in a garden wedding, and it kind of left me pretty stunned. You see a golf course with all the greens and the soft winds and the lake, and the perfect skies… Then a beautiful serenade and bubbles carried by the wind, and then you’d see your friend in white, starting to walk one of the most memorable walks of her life, and everywhere you gaze people are misty-eyed…who wouldn’t be touched, by the magic that is love?

01.30-31.2006 Singapore Holidays

Home, with my bed, my book and my TV. The only time I got to see the sun was when my stomach started grumbling aarrgghhh at utter starvation. It was such a luxury, just lying and thinking, and watching and sleeping and eating and for once, not working Luuuuvvvvvvvvv it!!!!

Blogarama - The Blogs Directory Free Web Counter
Free Site Counter
Powered by TagBoard Message Board
Name

URL or Email

Messages(smilies)

view my guestbook | sign my guestbook
get your free guestbook
www.flickr.com
maluwees' photos More of maluwees' photos
Blogarama