stupefied

This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world, and while she looked so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her, when she smiles... -Nine Days

Monday, January 23, 2006

Interesting

Let me just say I had quite an interesting moment last Friday. There was this couple's shower for an old colleague who’s getting married this Saturday. It took them a couple of persuasions before I finally agreed to go, my hesitation built on the thought of possibly seeing my ex again. Not that I’m still into him, I have spent the last five months forgetting and ‘restoring’ parts of me I lost owing to my own tolerance . As much as possible, I just would like to avoid such encounters; I don’t completely trust myself on relationship affairs. I’ve known of my own tendencies to lose my defenses over one smile, or one of those looks or even that silence so I try as hard to keep my guard.
Okay, so I didn’t really want to see him. Then suddenly I see him walking past me, while I was misty-eyed at chopping white onions for the nachos. There goes my interesting surprise. The person I was trying to steer clear of for the longest time sees me in an almost forlorn state. I had onions all over my hands and the smell of it all over my body. With grains of sweat on my face, unkempt hair and my make-up gone, I remembered still having managed to smile at him. Then he gives me that obligatory nod and ouch, I knew I still need to work hard on the “forgetting” part.
Anyway, for my pride’s sake, I tried to look casual, wearing a brave front the entire evening, even when we were paired up in one of those games that required physical contact. The next interesting part was that we were supposed to be three in the team, and the third member was the girl of my ex’s current dreams, which he denies of course. But Sir Ray laughs off, ‘actions speak louder than words’. So the game began, my left hand over her right, his right leg over hers, her left leg over mine---three of us intertwined, it would have made such an interesting picture.
Anyway, the complicated part is that I adore this girl, because she’s really sweet and true to me. Whatever’s cooking should be the least of my concern right now. That’s the reason they call it ex, it’s history.
My excuse for that, it’s always easier said than done.
Imagine what I had to give up to get myself back, to prove to myself my independence and capacity to be happy with or without other people. Or let’s dismiss the part about “proving” anything to anyone. I did make some sacrifices because I wanted to help myself.
For some time I was convinced I’ve healed completely. Seeing him last Friday was fine, but feeling awkward, and weird and affected around him, I disliked it. I still felt some strange things in my heart, as though he’s crushed it again. For that I'd like to reproach myself but hell, I can't deny.

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